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and letting myself die。

What a consternation of soul was mine that dreary afternoon! How all my brain was in tumult; and all my heart in insurrection! Yet in what darkness; what dense ignorance; was the mental battle fought! I could not answer the ceaseless inward question—why I thus suffered; now; at the distance of—I will not say how many years; I see it clearly。

I was a discord in Gateshead Hall: I was like nobody there; I had nothing in harmony with Mrs。 Reed or her children; or her chosen vassalage。 If they did not love me; in fact; as little did I love them。 They were not bound to regard with affection a thing that could not sympathise with one amongst them; a heterogeneous thing; opposed to them in temperament; in capacity; in propensities; a useless thing; incapable of serving their interest; or adding to their pleasure; a noxious thing; cherishing the germs of indignation at their treatment; of contempt of their judgment。 I know that had I been a sanguine; brilliant; careless; exacting; handsome; romping child—though equally dependent and friendless—Mrs。 Reed would have endured my presence more placently; her children would have entertained for me more of the cordiality of fellow…feeling; the servants would have been less prone to make me the scapegoat of the nursery。

Daylight began to forsake the red…room; it was past four o’clock; and the beclouded afternoon was tending to drear twilight。 I heard the rain still beating continuously on the stair

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